Welcome to www.niamhcoffey.com
Guide to the site
to my website. There are a couple of things you should know about
me - I love my Queen and I am sitting the Most Important Exam of my LifeTM in a few months time. I like to describe myself as "chirpy", which I think means I can talk as much as I want.
The main thing to know about this website is that it can bought. You
can buy it by offering money - just send an email to
email@example.com. At the start, the offers had to be above 1,000
British pounds (or 30,000 euro). You can see the latest minimum offer below. Surely a small price to pay for
a young girl's identity? It's like "Stop the film" on the web!
I will put updates to my website underneath here. The newest updates
are at the top and the oldest ones are at the bottom, so you will have
to go the end and work back if you don't look at the site as often as
you should. You can skip right to the end by clicking here.
Price update 1st April 2007: The price has gone up to 2,500 Great British pounds or 50,000 euro.
Price update 4th January 2007: Uh oh. The price just went up to 1,500 British pounds or the equivalent 40,000 euro.
Update!!! 1th April 2007
I think it's time that I told you about my career plans. I started
quite a while ago, but I had to go away for my nerves. It's
been back in my mind because I am really having to study for the Most
Important Exam of my LifeTM. I have come up with a new way of living for the next few months. It called Sleep or StudyTM.
The idea is easy really. I should either be asleep or studying. I'm
going to turn it into a self-help book later. I don't know how I am
going to stretch it out beyond pamphlet size, though. Did you notice that I've been doing a lot of trademarking recently?
|Anyway, my career. I like to talk. People often say that they like to
talk, but that is nothing compared with me. I like to talk all the
time. When I'm with people, when I'm with Zealand, when I'm on my own.
Even when other people are talking, I try and talk over them. I can't
remember my exact age, but it seems like I've been talking since just a
few years after I was born. Now it's gotten to the stage that when I
talk, people say "I have to go somewhere", "It's quiet time" or "Is
it really 8 o'clock - I must be going to bed". The worst is when I
start talking and they say "It's sleepy time" and put their heads in
their hands pretending to sleep. Sometimes I think I've
run out of people to talk to. So I'm going to study languages in
college!! And I'm not talking about Irish - I want to talk to living
people, not stupid Peig Sayers, who I hate. And hate is a strong word.
||The face of evil
I'm going to do Spanish for certain in college. I'm doing it at school
now. Our Spanish teacher somehow got herself pregnant and now she is
going off on maternity leave - so lazy. We got her a
baby cake before she went, so I decided to show her how much I have
learned by making a joke. I said "¿quieres tu duos pieces cake -
pour toui et pour your nino??!!". In English it is "would you like two
pieces of cake - for yourself and for the baby??!!". One of my best
jokes yet. Of course I pronounced it correctly - I pronounce the funny
upside down question mark as "rrrr" and I say every 'c' as a 'th', so
that I said "duos pieces cake" as "duos piethes thake". I am going to do so well at the Most
Important Exam of my LifeTM.
Today, my mind pain is presenting as a lump on the side of my neck. I
had the mind pain, my younger sister hit me on the head and the next
thing I knew I could feel this lump in my neck. I've had this sore
throat as well. Dr Halloran says it's either a lymph node or scrofula,
but I know that a sore throat and a neck lump can mean only one thing -
TB. Why am I so cursed?
Update!!! 4th January 2007
You may be wondering what I have been up to for the last few months.
Well, Dr Halloran said I shouldn't say anything specific. So let's just
say that I had a touch of the nerves and had to go and stay somewhere I
could relax. I'm not going to say where exactly. People go to lots of
different places to relax
- parks, lakes, Disneyland, mental asylums, the list
really goes on and on. It could have been any one of those places that
I had to be put in for a few months.
I have to take tablets every day now. They have something called
risperidone in them, which I think is some kind of vitamin. I must have
been low in it all the time, even with all the pro-biotic yoghurts I
took (these contain good bacteria). I am much more calm now. I
don't know if it's related, but around the time I started taking the
vitamins I stopped
seeing the dancing plums. In a way I miss their purply
antics. I think the leader was going to tell me his name.
I think it was the stress of sitting the Most Important Exam of my LifeTM
that made me go mental. Oops, I'm not meant to say mental. I could get
stigmatized. If someone tries to stigmatize you, you have to
stigmatize the hell out of him or her first. That's what Dr Halloran
said. At least he said
something and that's what I heard. One of my sisters says there is a
give you an example of putting this into practice. It's a real life
story of empowerment. On the right is a picture of a social worker who
tried to stigmatize me (I can't remember what exactly he did but he
might have called me a 'client'). I quickly poked him in the eye (the
left). With that, the tables were turned. I was able to stigmatize him
- I started saying "Where's me eye-patch? Shiver me timbers!" like a
pirate. Things got a little undignified after this, and soon I
found myself kicking his leg and saying "How's your wooden leg? How can
you feel that if you've got a wooden leg?" Once I had fully stigmatized
him I stopped and then took the picture. The colour seems almost
literally to have drained from his face - Foucault and Goffman
obviously didn't describe a defense for a situation like this at
social work school.
Today my mind pain is presenting as an rash at my elbow. Zealand said
it looked like eczema but she could be wrong. Could it be mycosis
fungoides? Or a cutaneous T cell lymphoma? Even worse, could it be
both? Now I'm really worried.
I better go now. It's good to be back.
P.S. Don't tell Dr Halloran, but even though I don't see the dancing
plums any more, sometimes I can hear them do their singing. I found
myself doing the dance to it the other day. Dr Halloran seems to get
upset whenever I mention the dancing plums and makes me take more vitamins.
Update!!! 7th October 2006
Something is happening, and not in a good way. I don't know why, but
those dancing plums seem to be around the whole time. Even my imaginary
friend Zealand used go away sometimes. But every day this week I have
seen them dancing about in their purply skins singing "La la la ... la
la la". Every so often the dancing plum that seems to be leading the
troupe will do this thing where he takes his skin off, swings it around
his head and then puts it back on again. It happens so fast that if you
don't concentrate, it's as if nothing happened. You would swear that he
kept the skin on the whole time.
Where did they come from anyway? Did someone send them? What are their
ideas, concerns and expectations? What are they up to when they're not
dancing for me? I am finding it hard to think about anything else. If
you came here hoping to find out more about my career plans, you will
be very disappointed. I don't even have the energy to do my usual
half-shout at the end of my sentences.
I'm going to go and lie down. I don't even know their names.
Update!!! 26th September 2006
Well, it's been a busy summer for me. I am glad to be back at school,
so I can do my homework. Actually it's not really the homework that I
like, it's having to go to my room. Mainly I just sit there and think
of dancing plums. I love the way their little purple bodies dance
around. La la la ... la la la. Little dancing plums. La la la ... la LA
It's my last year in school. What should I do with my life? I thought
about becoming an actress. I have a very loud voice that I am told
carries well. And my voice never seems to die no matter how much I use
it. Sometimes I use it almost constantly. I had such trouble with
swimming until I learnt the back stroke. They always seem to be
shutting the pool for cleaning these days - it's happened the last few
times I went along. I suppose it's another EU DIRECTIVE.
Anyway, I'm getting off the point - my career. Should I become a fabled
martial artist, like Gandhi? I often daydream about this. The Queen is
going in to her bank, Cruft's, to put a prize corgi in her safe deposit
box. I am in the bank as well, just bringing in some change in little
plastic bags to be lodged. Suddenly these masked men rush in. All of
them have guns, one of them has two guns. They say "This is a robbery!
We're trigger-happy psychopaths with nothing to lose - don't push
us!" Everyone starts screaming and running around like crazy,
which only makes the robbers more psychopathic (The Queen just stands
there - she's not affected by the terror). They shoot one of the
tellers to show that they're serious. Everyone stops and jumps on the
floor, screaming and crying (some of them are literally crying!). They
catch sight of the Queen and say "Give us your prize corgi - that's
what we're here for". She says "One shall never surrender such a regal
dog". At this, I leap into action - I can't really describe this other
than to say I put the 'able' into 'fabled martial artist'. All that's
left is the head robber with two guns, me and the Queen. The robber
points one gun at me and one at the Queen and it's clear that one,
both, or neither of us WILL DIE.
The robber says "Well, little girl, do you really want your Queen to
die?". I'm too far away from him and I know it. He knows it too and
says "Ha ha ha. Now hand over the corgi, Queen, so I put him to work on
my dog wheel. That roast isn't going to turn itself". The Queen starts
quietly and gracefully sobbing to herself as she thinks there is no way
out. At this moment, I reach inside my bag (I had it with me the whole
time) and pull out three little plastic bags of coins (I think one is
of 2ps and the two others of 5ps). The robber knows something is up and
shoots his guns. I throw the three bags. In slow motion, one blocks the
bullet coming straight for me, one knocks the bullet aimed at the Queen
out of the air and the last one knocks the robber out cold. The crowd,
who up to this point were whimpering wrecks, cheers. The Queen turns to
me and says "One is most indebted to you, commoner. One dubs thee
Protectant Extraordinary to the Queen". Then she carries on to her
safety deposit box. Even thinking about the story now makes me so
excited I probably will HARDLY SLEEP.
Today my mind pain is presenting as itchy teeth. Should I go to CASUALTY?
I better go now. We can discuss my career more some other day. By the
way, Gandhi never got back to me despite my pleas. Sad. Thanks for
Update!!! 1st June 2006
As this website is all about me, I think you would be very excited to
hear all about my favourite things. It will also take my mind off the
World Cup. I am getting so worked up, I can HARDLY SLEEP.
My favourite meal is anything at the Daly Diner. It is still the best restaurant in
the world even if it has been taken over by Supermacs. I hate Supermacs
so much. How could they? Ever since the time of Queen Maeve, when she
tried to steal the Brown Bull of Cooley, those people from Connaught
have thought they can do anything they want. Did they learn nothing
from Cuchulainn? I used to play hurling too. They have BEEN WARNED.
My favourite actor is Frankie Muniz from Agent Cody Banks, Malcolm in the Middle, and Agent Cody Banks 2. He is SO DISHY.
My favourite film is Gandhi 2: The Reckoning. I especially like the
final fight scene. Gandhi moves so quick! If only he was here, I
could ask him to go to Supermacs and he would deal with them. Gandhi, if you're
reading please CONTACT ME.
My favourite pastime is talking. I never thought about it before, but
that might be because my biggest enemy is silence. In a way, it's like
Gandhi and the British - I try to get rid of silence wherever I go.
Only instead of martial arts, I use MY VOICE.
Today my mind pain is presenting as tiredness. Could I have KLEINE-LEVIN SYNDROME?
Please email me, Gandhi.
Update!!! 2nd May 2006
I thought you would like to see a picture of MY ROOM!
I am getting very worked up about the World Cup, although I think each
game should be divided into quarters as I find it very hard to
concentrate until the end. You might be wondering who my favourite
English player is. It used to be David Beckham but then he moved to
Real Madrid. How could he just decide to play for Spain instead of
England? I hate him now, and hate is a strong word. I am not a fair
weather fan so I can't stand fair weather players. It was hard to pick
a new favourite player, so I went with the one who everyone else thinks
is best - Wayne Rooney. He is going to have a great World Cup! I am so
excited, I can HARDLY SLEEP!!!
Today, my mind pain is presenting as a niggle behind my ear. It could be SERIOUS!
The first entry (24th April 2006)
This website is all about me. Me, me, me. And I think the main thing
you should know about me is that I love the Queen. You could say that I am a subject.
It's the Queen's birthday at the moment. Amazingly this year it falls
almost next to St George's day (my favourite day outside of my birthday
and Christmas). That's just one of the Queen's glorious attributes. I
have been so excited about
it, I could HARDLY SLEEP!
You can go and see what all the fuss is about at www.royal.gov.uk, also
known as MY FAVOURITE WEBSITE!
I will be adding to this site over the next few months (when I am not
preparing for the most important exams of my life so far), so please
call back for more information about me, my love for the monarchy, and why
I still like the Daly Diner SO MUCH!
I may also find time to fill you in about my various ailments - e.g.
mind pain presenting as tummy pain, mind pain presenting as knee pain,
mind pain presenting as greed, that sort of thing. You will be SO
You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
P.S. As if you didn't know, I am talking about Her Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II of England. You may also know her as Colonel-in-chief of
the 1st Battalion Welsh Guards or the Queen of Canada.