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Welcome to www.niamhcoffey.com

Guide to the site

My heroWelcome to my website. There are a couple of things you should know about me - I love my Queen and I am sitting the Most Important Exam of my LifeTM in a few months time. I like to describe myself as "chirpy", which I think means I can talk as much as I want.

The main thing to know about this website is that it can bought. You can buy it by offering money - just send an email to neenee@niamhcoffey.com. At the start, the offers had to be above 1,000 British pounds (or 30,000 euro). You can see the latest minimum offer below. Surely a small price to pay for a young girl's identity? It's like "Stop the film" on the web!

I will put updates to my website underneath here. The newest updates are at the top and the oldest ones are at the bottom, so you will have to go the end and work back if you don't look at the site as often as you should. You can skip right to the end by clicking here.



Current price

Price update 1st April 2007: The price has gone up to 2,500 Great British pounds or 50,000 euro.

Price update 4th January 2007: Uh oh. The price just went up to 1,500 British pounds or the equivalent 40,000 euro. 

Update!!! 1th April 2007

I think it's time that I told you about my career plans. I started quite a while ago, but I had to go away for my nerves. It's been back in my mind because I am really having to study for the Most Important Exam of my LifeTM. I have come up with a new way of living for the next few months. It called Sleep or StudyTM. The idea is easy really. I should either be asleep or studying. I'm going to turn it into a self-help book later. I don't know how I am going to stretch it out beyond pamphlet size, though. Did you notice that I've been doing a lot of trademarking recently?


Anyway, my career. I like to talk. People often say that they like to talk, but that is nothing compared with me. I like to talk all the time. When I'm with people, when I'm with Zealand, when I'm on my own. Even when other people are talking, I try and talk over them. I can't remember my exact age, but it seems like I've been talking since just a few years after I was born. Now it's gotten to the stage that when I talk, people say "I have to go somewhere", "It's quiet time" or "Is it really 8 o'clock - I must be going to bed". The worst is when I start talking and they say "It's sleepy time" and put their heads in their hands pretending to sleep. Sometimes I think I've run out of people to talk to. So I'm going to study languages in college!! And I'm not talking about Irish - I want to talk to living people, not stupid Peig Sayers, who I hate. And hate is a strong word. The face of evil
The face of evil



I'm going to do Spanish for certain in college. I'm doing it at school now. Our Spanish teacher somehow got herself pregnant and now she is going off on maternity leave - so lazy. We got her a baby cake before she went, so I decided to show her how much I have learned by making a joke. I said "¿quieres tu duos pieces cake - pour toui et pour your nino??!!". In English it is "would you like two pieces of cake - for yourself and for the baby??!!". One of my best jokes yet. Of course I pronounced it correctly - I pronounce the funny upside down question mark as "rrrr" and I say every 'c' as a 'th', so that I said "duos pieces cake" as "duos piethes thake". I am going to do so well at the Most Important Exam of my LifeTM.

Today, my mind pain is presenting as a lump on the side of my neck. I had the mind pain, my younger sister hit me on the head and the next thing I knew I could feel this lump in my neck. I've had this sore throat as well. Dr Halloran says it's either a lymph node or scrofula, but I know that a sore throat and a neck lump can mean only one thing - TB. Why am I so cursed?

Update!!! 4th January 2007


You may be wondering what I have been up to for the last few months. Well, Dr Halloran said I shouldn't say anything specific. So let's just say that I had a touch of the nerves and had to go and stay somewhere I could relax. I'm not going to say where exactly. People go to lots of different places to relax - parks, lakes, Disneyland, mental asylums, the list really goes on and on. It could have been any one of those places that I had to be put in for a few months.

I have to take tablets every day now. They have something called risperidone in them, which I think is some kind of vitamin. I must have been low in it all the time, even with all the pro-biotic yoghurts I took (these contain good bacteria).  I am much more calm now. I don't know if it's related, but around the time I started taking the vitamins I stopped seeing the dancing plums. In a way I miss their purply antics. I think the leader was going to tell me his name.

I think it was the stress of sitting the Most Important Exam of my LifeTM that made me go mental. Oops, I'm not meant to say mental. I could get stigmatized. If someone tries to stigmatize you, you have to stigmatize the hell out of him or her first. That's what Dr Halloran said. At least he said something and that's what I heard. One of my sisters says there is a difference.

Ultimate stigmaI'll give you an example of putting this into practice. It's a real life story of empowerment. On the right is a picture of a social worker who tried to stigmatize me (I can't remember what exactly he did but he might have called me a 'client'). I quickly poked him in the eye (the left). With that, the tables were turned. I was able to stigmatize him - I started saying "Where's me eye-patch? Shiver me timbers!" like a pirate. Things got a little undignified after this, and soon I found myself kicking his leg and saying "How's your wooden leg? How can you feel that if you've got a wooden leg?" Once I had fully stigmatized him I stopped and then took the picture. The colour seems almost literally to have drained from his face - Foucault and Goffman obviously didn't describe a defense for a situation like this at social work school.


Today my mind pain is presenting as an rash at my elbow. Zealand said it looked like eczema but she could be wrong. Could it be mycosis fungoides? Or a cutaneous T cell lymphoma? Even worse, could it be both? Now I'm really worried.

I better go now. It's good to be back.

P.S. Don't tell Dr Halloran, but even though I don't see the dancing plums any more, sometimes I can hear them do their singing. I found myself doing the dance to it the other day. Dr Halloran seems to get upset whenever I mention the dancing plums and makes me take more vitamins.

Update!!! 7th October 2006


Something is happening, and not in a good way. I don't know why, but those dancing plums seem to be around the whole time. Even my imaginary friend Zealand used go away sometimes. But every day this week I have seen them dancing about in their purply skins singing "La la la ... la la la". Every so often the dancing plum that seems to be leading the troupe will do this thing where he takes his skin off, swings it around his head and then puts it back on again. It happens so fast that if you don't concentrate, it's as if nothing happened. You would swear that he kept the skin on the whole time.

Where did they come from anyway? Did someone send them? What are their ideas, concerns and expectations? What are they up to when they're not dancing for me? I am finding it hard to think about anything else. If you came here hoping to find out more about my career plans, you will be very disappointed. I don't even have the energy to do my usual half-shout at the end of my sentences.

I'm going to go and lie down. I don't even know their names.

Update!!! 26th September 2006

Well, it's been a busy summer for me. I am glad to be back at school, so I can do my homework. Actually it's not really the homework that I like, it's having to go to my room. Mainly I just sit there and think of dancing plums. I love the way their little purple bodies dance around. La la la ... la la la. Little dancing plums. La la la ... la LA LA.

It's my last year in school. What should I do with my life? I thought about becoming an actress. I have a very loud voice that I am told carries well. And my voice never seems to die no matter how much I use it. Sometimes I use it almost constantly. I had such trouble with swimming until I learnt the back stroke. They always seem to be shutting the pool for cleaning these days - it's happened the last few times I went along. I suppose it's another EU DIRECTIVE.

Anyway, I'm getting off the point - my career. Should I become a fabled martial artist, like Gandhi? I often daydream about this. The Queen is going in to her bank, Cruft's, to put a prize corgi in her safe deposit box. I am in the bank as well, just bringing in some change in little plastic bags to be lodged. Suddenly these masked men rush in. All of them have guns, one of them has two guns. They say "This is a robbery! We're trigger-happy psychopaths with nothing to lose - don't push us!"  Everyone starts screaming and running around like crazy, which only makes the robbers more psychopathic (The Queen just stands there - she's not affected by the terror). They shoot one of the tellers to show that they're serious. Everyone stops and jumps on the floor, screaming and crying (some of them are literally crying!). They catch sight of the Queen and say "Give us your prize corgi - that's what we're here for". She says "One shall never surrender such a regal dog". At this, I leap into action - I can't really describe this other than to say I put the 'able' into 'fabled martial artist'. All that's left is the head robber with two guns, me and the Queen. The robber points one gun at me and one at the Queen and it's clear that one, both, or neither of us WILL DIE.

The robber says "Well, little girl, do you really want your Queen to die?". I'm too far away from him and I know it. He knows it too and says "Ha ha ha. Now hand over the corgi, Queen, so I put him to work on my dog wheel. That roast isn't going to turn itself". The Queen starts quietly and gracefully sobbing to herself as she thinks there is no way out. At this moment, I reach inside my bag (I had it with me the whole time) and pull out three little plastic bags of coins (I think one is of 2ps and the two others of 5ps). The robber knows something is up and shoots his guns. I throw the three bags. In slow motion, one blocks the bullet coming straight for me, one knocks the bullet aimed at the Queen out of the air and the last one knocks the robber out cold. The crowd, who up to this point were whimpering wrecks, cheers. The Queen turns to me and says "One is most indebted to you, commoner. One dubs thee Protectant Extraordinary to the Queen". Then she carries on to her safety deposit box. Even thinking about the story now makes me so excited I probably will HARDLY SLEEP.

Today my mind pain is presenting as itchy teeth. Should I go to CASUALTY?

I better go now. We can discuss my career more some other day. By the way, Gandhi never got back to me despite my pleas. Sad. Thanks for nothing, Gandhi.

Update!!! 1st June 2006

As this website is all about me, I think you would be very excited to hear all about my favourite things. It will also take my mind off the World Cup. I am getting so worked up, I can HARDLY SLEEP.

My favourite meal is anything at the Daly Diner. It is still the best restaurant iA dreamboatn the world even if it has been taken over by Supermacs. I hate Supermacs so much. How could they? Ever since the time of Queen Maeve, when she tried to steal the Brown Bull of Cooley, those people from Connaught have thought they can do anything they want. Did they learn nothing from Cuchulainn? I used to play hurling too. They have BEEN WARNED.

My favourite actor is Frankie Muniz from Agent Cody Banks, Malcolm in the Middle, and Agent Cody Banks 2. He is SO DISHY.

My favourite film is Gandhi 2: The Reckoning. I especially like the final fight scene. Gandhi moves so quick! If only he was  here, I could ask him to go to Supermacs and he would deal with them.  Gandhi, if you're reading please CONTACT ME.

My favourite pastime is talking. I never thought about it before, but that might be because my biggest enemy is silence. In a way, it's like Gandhi and the British - I try to get rid of silence wherever I go. Only instead of martial arts, I use MY VOICE.

Today my mind pain is presenting as tiredness. Could I have KLEINE-LEVIN SYNDROME?

Please email me, Gandhi.

Update!!! 2nd May 2006

I thought you would like to see a picture of MY ROOM!
Inglerland, Inglerland, Ingerland
I am getting very worked up about the World Cup, although I think each game should be divided into quarters as I find it very hard to concentrate until the end. You might be wondering who my favourite English player is. It used to be David Beckham but then he moved to Real Madrid. How could he just decide to play for Spain instead of England? I hate him now, and hate is a strong word. I am not a fair weather fan so I can't stand fair weather players. It was hard to pick a new favourite player, so I went with the one who everyone else thinks is best - Wayne Rooney. He is going to have a great World Cup! I am so excited, I can HARDLY SLEEP!!!

Today, my mind pain is presenting as a niggle behind my ear. It could be SERIOUS!



The first entry (24th April 2006)


This website is all about me. Me, me, me. And I think the main thing you should know about me is that I love the Queen. You could say that My heroI am a subject.

It's the Queen's birthday at the moment. Amazingly this year it falls almost next to St George's day (my favourite day outside of my birthday and Christmas). That's just one of the Queen's glorious attributes. I have been so excited about it, I could HARDLY SLEEP!

You can go and see what all the fuss is about at www.royal.gov.uk, also known as MY FAVOURITE WEBSITE!

I will be adding to this site over the next few months (when I am not preparing for the most important exams of my life so far), so please call back for more information about me, my love for the monarchy, and why I still like the Daly Diner SO MUCH!

I may also find time to fill you in about my various ailments - e.g. mind pain presenting as tummy pain, mind pain presenting as knee pain, mind pain presenting as greed, that sort of thing. You will be SO INTERESTED!

You can email me at neenee@niamhcoffey.com

P.S. As if you didn't know, I am talking about Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of England. You may also know her as Colonel-in-chief of the 1st Battalion Welsh Guards or the Queen of Canada.